Be patient, Ophelia. Love, Hamlet

A joke is like building a mousetrap from scratch. You have to work pretty hard to make the thing snap when it is supposed to snap.

Shortridge High School was an elitist high school. In a way it was a scandal because you could go there no matter where you lived, if you could get there. It was for over-achievers. It was for people who were going to college. So we were very special and we were hated for being ritzy.

History is merely a list of surprises... It can only prepare us to be surprised yet again.

The world is too serious. To get mad at a work of art-because maybe somebody, somewhere is blowing his stack over what I've done-is like getting mad at a hot fudge sundae.

What is the purpose of life?...To be the eyes and ears and conscience of the Creator of the Universe, you fool!

Nobody will stop you from creating. Do it tonight. Do it tomorrow. That is the way to make your soul grow.