I learned how to make jokes because I wanted to give people as much fun as they did, and I guess I did, too.

The New York Daily News suggested that my biggest war crime was not killing myself like a gentleman. Presumably Hitler was a gentleman.

Is there nothing I have done which will outlive me, other than the opprobrium of my first wife and sons and grandchildren? Do I care? Doesn't everybody? Poor me. Poor practically everybody, with so little durable good to leave behind!

The Summer had died peacefully in its sleep, and Autumn, as soft-spoken executrix, was locking life up safely until Spring came to claim it.

All people are insane. They will do anything at any time, and God help anybody who looks for reasons.

We have such a young culture that there is an opportunity to contribute wonderful new myths to it, which will be accepted.

All persons, living and dead, are purely coincidental.