If you can do a half-assed job of anything, you're a one-eyed man in a kingdom of the blind.

He became fubar in the classic way, which is to say that he was the victim of a temporary arrangement that became permanent.

There's only one rule that I know of, babies—God damn it, you've got to be kind.

We went to the New York World's Fair, saw what the past had been like, according to the Ford Motor Car Company and Walt Disney, saw what the future would be like, according to General Motors. And I asked myself about the present: how wide it was, how deep it was, how much was mine to keep.

Humor is an almost physiological response to fear.

Son--they say there isn't any royalty in this country, but do you want me to tell you how to be king of the United States of America? Just fall through the hole in a privy and come out smelling like a rose.

The worst thing that could possibly happen to anybody would be to not be used for anything by anybody. Thank you for using me, even though I didn't want to be used by anybody.