All moments, past, present and future, always have existed, always will exist.

You know, the Emancipation Proclamation was like giving freedom to domestic animals.

You know who was a hero? Franklin Roosevelt.

And a step backward, after making a wrong turn, is a step in the right direction.

That's what my books are, now that I'm a grownup - mosaics of jokes.

Any reviewer who expresses rage and loathing for a novel is preposterous. He or she is like a person who has put on full armor and attacked a hot fudge sundae.

There is a riddle about a man who is locked in a room with nothing but a bed and a calendar, and the question is: How does he survive? The answer is: He eats dates from the calendar and drinks from the springs of the bed.