Shrapnel was invented by an Englishman of the same name. Don't you wish you could have something named after you?

The artist makes his living by pretending, by putting it in a meaningful hole though no such holes exist.

We're here on Earth to fart around

Like all real heroes, Charley had a fatal flaw. He refused to believe that he had gonorrhea, whereas the truth was that he did.

I learned how to make jokes because I wanted to give people as much fun as they did, and I guess I did, too.

Humor is a way of holding off how awful life can be, to protect yourself.

The only way to get anything out of a writer's brains is to leave him or her alone until he or she is damn well ready to write it down.