How embarrassing to be human.

Future generations will look back on TV as the lead in the water pipes that slowly drove the Romans mad.

Well, it's an ancestral tribe. These were immigrants from north of Germany who came here about the time of the Civil War, but anyway, these people called themselves free thinkers. They were impressed, incidentally, by Darwin. They're called Humanists now; people who aren't so sure that the Bible is the Word of God.

The paintings by dead men who were poor most of their lives are the most valuable pieces in my collection. And if an artist wants to really jack up the prices of his creations, may I suggest this: suicide.

When a man becomes a writer, I think he takes on a sacred obligation to produce beauty and enlighenment and comfort at top speed

profanity and obscenity entitle people who don't want unpleasant information to close their ears and eyes to you.

The best jokes are dangerous, and dangerous because they are in some way truthful.