One of the first things Catholic school taught me is that babies were born sinners. You sucked before you took your first breath.

There's plenty of ways you can go and encourage people. And you should do that. But don't demonize what you do, I do, what other comics are doing, when you see people showing up and listening and responding because they've heard the messaging in the new kind of way.

I feel like the world has just become a polyester suit that's smoldering, melting, and at some point we have to figure out how to extinguish it.

Write a smart joke and people want to talk about it and keep the dialogue going. Also, if you can make someone laugh, it's a pronouncement that they like you on some level.

And home pregnancy tests? They are so last century. Nowadays, I think there's an app that calls your iPhone to warn you that if you finish that third cosmo, you may wind up with a wombmate.

Opportunities present themselves to me. That's how my whole life has been pretty much. I've been lucky.

This tornado is in Oklahoma so clearly it has been ordered to only target conservatives.