I punished myself and avoided my reflection in mirrors and any windows. I would see myself reflected back, and I would look away, trying to pretend I didn't exist, because I hated myself so much.

As a comedian you are making yourself vulnerable in order to make others happy.

The best tattooists are in San Francisco, and they're kind of like my family now. I'm always excited to come back to San Francisco.

It’s like your batteries get low, and you need to charge them on someone else’s story.

If I'm talking to a guy who's straight and cute and single, I'm like 'are you a unicorn?'

No wonder all the great comedians had such destructive private lives. ... After you get the audience into that kind of frenzy, and you are being worshiped like the false idol you are, how do you leave the stage and transition back into real life? ... What is there left to do but set yourself on fire?

I taught Sunday School for two years. And I got fired. I abused my authority. I used to teach class like this, "OK, if one more person talks, everybody is going to Hell."