Sometimes I wonder if I'm a character being written, or if I'm writing myself.

Multiply your death, divide by sex, add up your violence, what do you get?

Once I threw a water bottle from the stage into the audience, and it hit Tony Bennett in the head. It was a special moment for me.

Comedians have a huge carte blanche and the ability to get away with saying a lot of things.

When you get to heaven, you will wish you were in hell.

It isn’t hard to find a person whom I could fall in love with, to give her romance. But it’s hard to find such a person who would understand your view on life, accept who you really are and would truly care for you.

This is the culture you're raising your kids in. Don't be surprised if it blows up in your face.