I would probably say, 'Don't worry so much about stuff as you grow up.'

When I was growing up skateboarding, a bunch of friends and I went to this thrift store and as we were leaving I jumped up and passed gas in my friend's face. I turned around and it wasn't my friend, it was this nice old lady who was just walking out of the store. That was probably one of the more awkward apologies I've had to make in my life.

If something is wrong with you, hate someone else for it

We reserve the right to make fun of every single person on planet Earth.

Take it from me because I learned the hard way: circumcisions are best left to professionals.

Yeah, I actually do know where I am.

It totally ruins my voice. I quit smoking, drinking, and doing ecstasy.