I am quite sure now that often, very often, in matters concerning religion and politics a man's reasoning powers are not above the monkey's.

No man's life, liberty, or property are safe while the legislature is in session.

The New York papers have long known that no large question is ever really settled until I have been consulted.

The existing phrasebooks are inadequate. They are well enough as far as they go, but when you fall down and skin your leg they don't tell you what to say.

I've had a lot of worries in my life, most of which never happened.

But that's always the way; it don't make no difference whether you do right or wrong, a person's conscience ain't got no sense, and just goes for him anyway. If I had a yaller dog that didn't know no more than a person's conscience does I would pison him. It takes up more room than all the rest of a person's insides, and yet ain't no good, nohow.

I can teach anybody how to get what they want out of life. The problem is that I can't find anybody who can tell me what they want.