When your watch gets out of order you have choice of two things to do: throw it in the fire or take it to the watch-tinker. The former is the quickest.

Humor must not professedly teach and it must not professedly preach, but it must do both if it would live forever.

When a man's dog turns against hime, it is time for his wife to pack her trunk and go home to mamma.

History has tried hard to teach us that we can't have good government under politicians. Now, to go and stick one at the very head of the government couldn't be wise.

Why should anybody want to save the human race, or damn it either? Does God want its society? Does Satan?

The difference between fiction and nonfiction is that fiction must be absolutely believable.

Loyalty is a word which has worked vast harm; for it has been made to trick men into being "loyal" to a thousand iniquities, whereas the true loyalty should have been to themselves - in which case there would have ensured a rebellion, and the throwing off of that deceptive yoke.