What is the chief end of man?-to get rich. In what way?-dishonestly if we can; honestly if we must.

I take my only exercise acting as a pallbearer at the funerals of my friends who exercise regularly.

The Indian may seem poor to we rich Westerners but in matters of the spirit it is we who are the paupers and they who are millionaires.

Never do wrong when people are looking.

No one can tell me what is a good cigar--for me. I am the only judge... There are no standards--no real standards. Each man's preference is the only standard for him, the only one which he can accept, the only one which can command him.

There ain't nothing more to write about and I'm rotten glad of it, because if I'd know'd what trouble it was to make a book, I wouldn't a tackled it.

Education: the path from cocky ignorance to miserable uncertainty.