The ignorant are afraid to betray surprise or admiration...they think it ill manners.

Sacred cows make the best hamburger.

I would rather go to bed with Lillian Russell stark naked than Ulysses S Grant in full military regalia.

Scientists have odious manners, except when you prop up their theory; then you can borrow money off them.

The public is the only critic whose judgment is worth anything at all.

Knighterrantry is a most chuckleheaded trade, and it is tedious hard work, too, but I begin to see that there is money in it, after all, if you have luck. Not that I would ever engage in it, as a business, for I wouldn't. No sound and legitimate business can be established on a basis of speculation. A successful whirl in the knighterrantry line--now what is it when you blow away the nonsense and come down to the cold facts? It's just a corner in pork, that's all.

Tea is an affront to lunch and an insult to dinner.