I thoroughly believe that any man who's got anything worthwhile to say will be heard if he only says it often enough.

I was dead for millions of years before I was born and it never inconvenienced me a bit.

I bring you this stately matron named Christendom, returning bedraggled, besmirched, and dishonored from pirate raids in Kiao-Chow, Manchuria, South Africa, and the Phillipines, with her soul full of meanness, her pocket full of boodle, and her mouth full of pious hypocrisies. Give her soap and a towel, but hide the looking-glass.

Suppose you were an idiot, and suppose you were a member of Congress; but I repeat myself.

We have the best government that money can buy.

A person who won't read has no advantage over one who can't read.

The human being places sexual intercourse above all other joys, but leaves it out of his heaven.