What ought to be done to the man who invented the celebrating of anniversaries? Mere killing would be too light.

No temperance society which is well officered and which has the real good of our fellow-men in view, will ever get drunk save in the seclusion of its temperance hall.

His ignorance covers the world like a blanket, and there's scarcely a hole in it anywhere.

Satan (impatiently) to Newcomer: The trouble with you Chicago people is, that you think you are the best people down here; whereas you are merely the most numerous.

The radical of one century is the conservative of the next. The radical invents the views. When he has worn them out, the conservative adopt.

Giving up smoking is the easiest thing in the world. I know because I've done it thousands of times.

Humor is like a frog; if you dissect it, it dies.