God's noblest work. Man who found it out? Man.

It has been said that a Scotchman has not seen the world until he has seen Edinburgh; and I think that I may say that an American has not seen the United States until he has seen Mardi Gras in New Orleans.

There is only one good sex. The female one.

The easy confidence with which I know another man's religion is folly teaches me to suspect that my own is also. I would not interfere with any one's religion, either to strengthen it or to weaken it. I am not able to believe one's religion can affect his hereafter one way or the other, no matter what that religion may be. But it may easily be a great comfort to him in this life-hence it is a valuable possession to him.

God made the Idiot for practice, and then He made the School Board.

Most people are bothered by those passages of Scripture they do not understand, but the passages that bother me are those I do understand.

My books are like water; those of the great geniuses are wine. (Fortunately) everybody drinks water.