Patriotism is merely a religion-love of country, worship of country, devotion to the country's flag and honor and welfare.

The gentle reader will never, never know what a consummate ass he can become until he goes abroad. I speak now, of course, in the supposition that the gentle reader has not been abroad, and therefore is not already a consummate ass. If the case be otherwise, I beg his pardon and extend to him the cordial hand of fellowship and call him brother.

My first American ancestor, gentlemen, was an Indian-an early Indian. Your ancestors skinned him alive, and I am an orphan. All those Salem witches were ancestors of mine. Your people made it tropical for them. . . . The first slave brought into New England out of Africa was an ancestor of mine-for I am a mixed breed, an infinitely shaded and exquisite Mongrel.

Wit is the sudden marriage of ideas which before their union were not perceived to have any relation.

Laws control the lesser man... Right conduct controls the greater one.

I played Chess with him and would have beaten him sometimes only he always took back his last move, and ran the game out differently

A sense of humor is the one thing no one will admit to not having.