Only laughter can blow [a colossal humbug] to rags and atoms at a blast. Against the assault of laughter nothing can stand.

Man is without doubt the most interesting fool there is. He concedes that God made the angels immune from pain and death, and that he could have been similarly kind to man, but denies that he was under any moral obligation to do so.

When you catch an adjective, kill it - perhaps the best possible advice for budding writers.

The nation is divided, half patriots and half traitors, and no man can tell which from which.

But it is a blessed provision of nature that at times like these, as soon as a man's mercury has got down to a certain point there comes a revulsion, and he rallies. Hope springs up, and cheerfulness along with it, and then he is in good shape to do something for himself, if anything can be done.

Scientists have odious manners, except when you prop up their theory; then you can borrow money off them.

Suppose you were an idiot, and suppose you were a member of Congress; but I repeat myself.