It ain't what you don't know that gets you into trouble. It's what you know for sure that just ain't so.

But the elastic heart of youth cannot be compressed into one constrained shape long at a time.

I have only one moral precept; never smoke more than five cigars at a time.

If you're looking for friends when you need them...it's too late.

The secret source of humor is not joy but sorrow.

I know the look of an apple that is roasting and sizzling on the hearth on a winter's evening, and I know the comfort that comes of eating it hot, along with some sugar and a drench of cream... I know how the nuts taken in conjunction with winter apples, cider, and doughnuts, make old people's tales and old jokes sound fresh and crisp and enchanting.

Moralists and philosophers have adjudged those who throw temptation in the way of the erring, equally guilty with those who are thereby led into evil