It ain't what you don't know that gets you into trouble. It's what you know for sure that just ain't so.

The easy part of being an artist is figuring out the message that everyone else is ready to hear. The hard part is waiting for the proper lull to make the announcement.

The new political gospel: public office is private graft.

Jesus died to save men - a small thing for an immortal to do - and didn't save many, anyway. But if he had been damned for the race, that would have been act of a size proper to a god, and would have saved the whole race.

Eat a live frog first thing in the morning and nothing worse will happen to you the rest of the day.

I have been born more times than anybody except Krishna.

Of all the animals, man is the only one that lies.