I am hoping for better times. That's how you know us hapless gardeners - by our dirty fingernails and our absurd, unquenchable optimism about next year.

Appliances have idiosyncracies, just like us. Unfortunately they have picked up our less attractive traits - they are proud, spiteful, and unforgiving.

You need the will to disarm the civilian population. If we can do it in Somalia, we can do it here.

Baseball has a special place in our hearts. It is the game that shows us as we would like to be.

[On men:] On their best days, the best of them are eight years old.

Dogs, bless them, operate on the premise that human beings are fragile and require incessant applications of affection and reassurance. The random lick of a hand and the furry chin draped over the instep are calculated to let the shaky owner know that a friend is nearby.

My friend Phil has a theory that the Lord, having made teenagers, felt constrained to make amends and so created the golden retriever.