People are vomiting unrealistically in movies, and something must be done about it.

Softball is the reason Washing Machines and Bleach are so popular. Don't think so? Just ask a softball Mom.

You are a person and then you cease to be a person, and a cadaver takes your place.

Yes, the money could be better spent on Earth. But would it? Since when has money saved by government redlining been spent on education and cancer research? It is always squandered. Let's squander some on Mars. Let's go out and play.

The simplest strategy for bouts of noxious flatus is to not care. Or perhaps to take advantage of a gastroenterologist I know: get a dog. (To blame.)

Instead, I quietly excused myself and went to the bar, to commune with spirits I know how to relate to.

The paper does not provide the exact number of penises eaten by ducks, but the author says there have been enough over the years to prompt the coining of a popular saying: 'I better get home or the ducks will have something to eat.