Beware the cute, hot guy who kind of reminds you of the parent you don't get along with: your cold, distant father who left when you were a kid or your hot-tempered mother whom you could never please.

It's just like magic. When you live by yourself, all your annoying habits are gone!.

I sometimes look into the face of my dog Stan and see a wistful sadness and existential angst, when all he is actually doing is slowly scanning the ceiling for flies.

Men who have a lot of charm have it in place of something real that you are eventually going to want from them and find that they do not have.

Men, as a general rule, shy away from therapy because there is no obvious way to keep score.

My dogs, the only creatures on the planet marked by my singular nurturing imprint, have all turned out to be rude and self-absorbed. In all likelihood, if they were children instead of dogs, I would have foisted more Charlie Sheens or Kardashians onto our crumbling culture.

No one would argue against the fact that L.A. leads the country in opportunities for being hip and pretentious.