I sometimes look into the face of my dog Stan and see a wistful sadness and existential angst, when all he is actually doing is slowly scanning the ceiling for flies.

We are pretty sure that we and our pets share the same reality, until one day we come home to find that our wistful, intelligent friend who reminds us of our better self has decided a good way to spend the day is to open a box of Brillo pads, unravel a few, distribute some throughout the house, and eat or wear all the rest. And we shake our heads in an inability to comprehend what went wrong here.

Conversely, beware the man who does nothing but ask you questions about yourself and offers no information about himself. Not only is he keeping you at bay, he is probably not listening to your answers.

my mother ... took the fact that my taste differed from hers as a personal insult.

Every moment of your life that is not a complete nightmare is happiness.

You just never know when it might be cookie time. And, that is what the dogs have taught me.

A wacky, trendy outfit on a guy over 40 indicates he's got big issues.