Lordy, lordy, lordy do I love money. It is a character flaw, no doubt, one that springs from a panicked childhood in which I always felt as if our family was only a couple missed child support payments from being tossed onto the pitiless streets of our suburban New Jersey town.

I'm very introverted, so it requires a huge effort for me to put on a smile and extend a hand and accept compliments. I would much rather be insulted than complimented any day.

I feel no obligation to teach my readers anything, to impart any sort of wisdom, to teach any sort of lesson, to instill any sort of morality. All I'm trying to do is make them and their parents laugh.

I don't watch that much comedy. I think it's professional jealousy. That and a lack of support for my community.

Super excited about things I'm going to do; never excited about things I'm actually doing.

With stand-up, you can be as freeform as you want to be. You can say what you want, how you want, at any moment without constraint.

I can be a snarky Asshole, or I can be sort of mentally impaired. It's very hard for me to just be normal human being.