Iโve been thinking about that ever since. Am I lucky? Am I lucky that I didnโt die? Am I lucky that, compared to the other kids here, my life doesnโt seem so bad? Maybe I am, but I have to say, I donโt feel lucky. For one thing, Iโm stuck in this pit. And just because your life isnโt as awful as someone elseโs, that doesnโt mean it doesnโt suck. You canโt compare how you feel to the way other people feel. It just doesnโt work. What might look like the perfect lifeโor even an okay lifeโto you might not be so okay for the person living it.
Michael Thomas FordI swear, sometimes it feels like there's this monkey in my head who runs around turning the dials and changing channels on me. One minute I'm sitting around eating chocolate chip cookies and then all of a sudden I'm thinking about bears.
Michael Thomas FordThat sounds so weird: "kill yourself." It makes it sound like you tried to murder someone, only that someone is you. But killing someone is wrong, and I don't think suicide is. It's my life, right? I should be able to end it if I want to. I don't think it's a sin.
Michael Thomas FordAnd itโs not like Iโve never jacked off. Iโm fifteen years old. Of course I do it. Any guy who says he doesnโt is lying. That would be like having the coolest video game ever and never playing it. No oneโs that stupid.
Michael Thomas FordI'm still kind of a mess. But I think we all are. No one's got it all together. I don't think you ever do get it totally together. Probably if you did manage to do it you'd spontaneously combust. I think that's a law of nature. If you ever manage to become perfect, you have to die instantly before you ruin things for everyone else.
Michael Thomas Ford