I often plagiarize from myself. I like to think of this as ecological journalism: I recycle.

Think of something to make the ridiculous look ridiculous.

Calling George Bush shallow is like calling a dwarf short.

You could probably prove, by judicious use of logarithms and congruent triangles, that real life is a lot more like soap opera than most people will admit.

Havin' fun while freedom fightin' must be one of those lunatic Texas traits we get from the water - which is known to have lithium in it - because it goes all the way back to Sam Houston, surely the most lovable, the most human, and the funniest of all the great men this country has ever produced.

I know: "Guns Don't Kill People." But I suspect that they have something to do with it. If you point your finger at someone and say, "Bang, bang, you're dead," not much actually happens.

The first rule of holes: When you're in one stop digging.