Everything's complicated, even those things that seem flat in their bleakness or sadness.

[about suicide] And why is it the biggest sin of all? All your life you're told that you'll be going to this marvellous place when you pass on. And the one thing you can do to get you there a bit quicker is something that stops you getting there at all. Oh, I can see that it's a kind of queue­jumping. But if someone jumps the queue at the Post Office, people tut. Or sometimes they say, “Excuse me, I was here first.” They don't say, “You will be consumed by hellfire for all eternity.” That would be a bit strong.

What harm has he ever done to you?' 'You know what harm he's done me. He offended me with his terrible taste.

Look at all the things that can go wrong for men. There’s the nothing-happening-at-all problem, the too-much-happening-too-soon problem, the dismal-droop-after-a-promising-beginning problem; there’s the size-doesn’t-matter-except-in-my-case problem, the failing-to-deliver-the-goods problem…and what do women have to worry about? A handful of cellulite? Join the club. A spot of I-wonder-how-I-rank? Ditto.

He's at the chocolate teapot end of the competency scale.

Sarcasm and compassion are two of the qualities that make life on Earth tolerable.

You had to live in your own bubble. You couldn't force your way into someone else's, because then it wouldn't be a bubble any more.