The other day I walked in on my roommate while I was masturbating.

People are writing shorter jokes. The style I've started with was almost trying to keep jokes under 140 characters before Twitter.

There's a fear that I don't think people are interested in my actual opinion. I just think people are interested in me being funny.

You know what’s really good is a greyhound in the shower.

You need to update your blog a couple of times a week. You need to post a Twitter here and there. It feels so dumb to say that stuff, but it's important for me to keep that presence going.

I have a wife and anything. That's the arrangement we have. I have a wife, and she's cool. And also I have anything I want.

I don't want to follow comedians because I don't want to see what they're thinking about, 'cause then maybe I won't stumble across a thought maybe I had about the same subject.