America has never quite forgiven Europe for having been discovered somewhat earlier in history than itself.

If the poor only had profiles there would be no difficulty in solving the problem of poverty

When a golden girl can win Prayer from out the lips of sin, When the barren almond bears, And a little child gives away its tears, Then shall all the house be still And peace come to Canterville.

It is a vulgar error to suppose that America was ever discovered. It was merely detected.

Too much work, and no vacation, Deserves at least a small libation. So hail! my friends, and raise your glasses, Work's the curse of the drinking classes.

A writer is someone who has taught his mind to misbehave.

I love hearing my relations abused. It is the only thing that makes me put up with them at all.