There are no unwinnable wars.

I grew up having to piss in a bucket ’cos there was no indoor shitter, and now I have these computerised Japanese super-loo things that have heated seats and wash and blow-dry your arse at the touch of a button. Give it a couple of years and I’ll have a bog with a robot arm that pulls out my turds, so I don’t have to strain.

They said I would never write this book. Well, f**k ’em – ’cos here it is. All I have to do now is remember something... Bollocks. I can’t remember anything.

Suicide is the only way out.

Sex isn't the priority anymore, now I'm 65. But it still goes on. I want it and she doesn't, same as ever.

I suppose there's a lot of people that've got a better life than me. But I don't know, I feel very fortunate and very blessed.

I'm dyslexic, I have attention-deficit disorder, and I've got something like a hereditary tremor.