People are always angry at America. They're absolutely certain that America either caused their problems or is deliberately not fixing their problems. But the anger is always directed at America and never at Americans.

Never serve oysters in a month that has no paycheck in it.

One of the problems with being a writer is that all of your idiocies are still in print somewhere. I strongly support paper recycling.

Whatever the occasion, do not neglect alcohol. No other refreshment will do. Yes, alcohol kills brain cells, but it's very selective. It only kills the brain cells that contain good sense, shame, embarrassment, and restraint.

Good manners consist of doing precisely what everyone thinks should be done, especially when no one knows quite what that is.

We're told cars are wasteful. Wasteful of what? Oil did a lot of good sitting in the ground for millions of years. We're told cars should be replaced with mass transportation. But it's hard to reach the drive-through window at McDonald's from a speeding train. And we're told cars cause pollution. A hundred years ago city streets were ankle deep in horse excrement. What kind of pollution do you want? Would you rather die of cancer at eighty or typhoid fever at nine?

If you are young and you drink a great deal it will spoil your health, slow your mind, make you fat - in other words, turn you into an adult.