The Tenth Commandment sends a message to socialists, to collectivists, to people who believe that wealth is best obtained by redistribution, and that message is clear and concise . . . Egalitarianism is sinful; it's also cowardly.

The proper behavior all through the holiday season is to be drunk. This drunkenness culminates on New Year's Eve, when you get so drunk you kiss the person you're married to.

Harvard has been almost as important to the American Jewish community as the pork-sausage industry.

The main reason to be opposed to political control of smoking is to keep power -even the smallest and silliest kind of power - out of the hands of ... members of a dangerous class -the class that knows what's good for us better than we do.

I don't think I'll ever be a real boat reporter. My Rolex isn't big enough.

I've decided that my motto in life is "Get off my lawn." It's the right answer to everything.

From National Lampoon, you go directly to Saturday Night Live, because it's a lot of the same people.