Valentine's Day is the hardest day of the year for a woman to get out, but everybody who is anybody and single is out that night.

I was single for a really long time, then I realized I had abandonment issues. Then I found love online.

Coffee is cheap, drinks are an audition, lunch is an interview, but dinner means business; the business of romance.

For the women in California, they're just downtrodden because they're so gorgeous here. Every hot cheerleader comes to California to make it. The men don't want to get married, they're lazy lions. Matthew McConaughey is their poster boy so they can procreate and live on the beach in the trailer and have kids and have money and be hedonistic.

I was a D student in high school and on the dean's list in college.

Gays don't have a lot of testosterone. I'm talking about that they use both sides of their brain. Straight men only use one side. Gay men are very bright, very handsome... they put themselves better together. They dress good, they decorate, they clean, they cook.

I'm on the Sensa diet. It's a little magic powder based on Dr. Hirsh's clinical trials and studies and it basically signals the brain that you're full through smellology.