You know, in Los Angeles, you're constantly in your car, you're sealed up, you're not walking around. Whereas in New York, after a while, all your stuff is kind of public, in one way or the other. I'm not saying either one of those is bad; they're both great for a very specific kind of comedian. And I'm glad that they both exist.

If Kevin James or Paul Giamatti drop weight, I'm done. I don't want to be the last pudge out there.

Meal isn't over when I'm full. Meal's over when I hate myself.

All the truly great stand-ups say, "I go onstage, and I work on jokes. The inspiration will happen while I'm doing my work." To me, in the end, the surest thing is work.

Growing up there are always those kids who are only happy when they are making someone else upset. That is unfortunately just how some people are. Some people are just born with bad wiring.

I had a romance novel inside me, but I paid three sailors to beat it out if me with steel pipes.

When you put an album out, you can't do any material from the album if people are paying to see you.