I've gotten very cynical and kind of anhedonic about all the things I have to do to get to do comedy: all the travel, hotels, and airports.

Before doing my first open mic, I was sitting in the back watching all these comedians banter back and forth and fire jokes and up each other, and I thought, This is where I wanna be.

Wars are usually really popular with people that aren't gonna be affected by them. 'Cause it's just entertainment, and it's just weird, like, "Well, we've got to show the world that we're strong." No we don't. And by the way, that has nothing to do with you. Why are you equating yourself with that&#Array; you know what I mean?

People will find transformation and transcendence in a McDonald's hash brown if it's all they've got.

If you actually do cold readings, it's very close to how people actually talk, because you're experiencing these thoughts anew every moment, and trying to make them come out coherently.

In my mind, I was always a comedian who was going to branch into writing.

Is it bad when you refer to all alcohol as "Pain Go Bye-Bye Juice"?