I was trying to organise my DVDs into a sort of chronological order, and I am afraid that it all trailed off after the Sixties.

On my first day in New York a guy asked me if I knew where Central Park was. When I told him I didn't, he said: Do you mind if I mug you here?

All disc jockeys are without talent. Noel Edmonds - I can't stand Noel Edmonds.

Have you ever had sex with a horse?

If you stay in a house and you go to the bathroom and there is no toilet paper, you can always slide down the banisters. Don't tell me you haven't done it.

My favourite riposte to a heckle is to say, 'Excuse me, I'm trying to work here. How would you like it if I stood yelling down the alley while you're giving blow jobs to transsexuals?'

I've never been disappointed by politicians. I've never invested that much in them in the first place.