In the long term everyone traffics in foregone conclusions, and in the short term they just get drunk. This is the way it has always been. Some half-assed ambiguity masquerading as mystery is all anybody's really looking for.

It’s like someone who prays every night saying God’s a good listener. Just because you’re talking to us doesn’t mean we’re listening. With me and God, you never really know.

Mockery when done without prejudice or discretion, can be a form of respect. It's the closest we'll ever come to true equality.

There comes a time in every man's life when he wakes up drunk on the toilet and begins to doubt the choices he has made. and when that time comes at least twice a day, every day. something needs to be done.

If stealing a few saltshakers was wrong I didn't want to be right.

And when they start talking, and they always do, you find that each of them has a story they want to tell. Everyone, no matter how old or young, has some lesson they want to teach. And I sit there and listen and learn all about life from people who have no idea how to live it.

Lying to other people is fine and usually funny, but lying to yourself is tacky.