The world is your oyster... ...too bad you're allergic to shellfish.

Anybody can make something up and have it sound believable. The hard part is remembering all the lies you've told, and all the people you've told them to, and then living the lies that have become your life.

And when they start talking, and they always do, you find that each of them has a story they want to tell. Everyone, no matter how old or young, has some lesson they want to teach. And I sit there and listen and learn all about life from people who have no idea how to live it.

Lying to other people is fine and usually funny, but lying to yourself is tacky.

There comes a time in every man's life when he wakes up drunk on the toilet and begins to doubt the choices he has made. and when that time comes at least twice a day, every day. something needs to be done.

Cowardice, when done correctly, can be its own kind of bravery.

I hate bananas. I just hate them. But I also think a banana suit is the funniest fruit costume a person can wear.