There is only one blasphemy, and that is the refusal to experience joy.

I think people who make checklists are the most miserable and alone because they are looking for the perfect Entenmann's that is delicious and has no calories. Please, you want a brunette with a sense of humor, a doctorate and HIV-negative status? Good luck, honey. Love isn't so frequent that you can put conditions on it.

Yes, I shot my wife because I thought she was Bigfoot, but I'm from New Jersey.

Writing is 90 percent procrastination: reading magazines, eating cereal out of the box, watching infomercials.

The only thing I have ever been asked [by a pollster] was the age at which I first indulged in oral sex (which, since it was a Yale Daily News poll, meant kissing).

Most gay bashers will be wearing what gay people had on four years earlier - only in polyester with a Penney's label.

As a writer, I need an enormous amount of time alone. Writing is 90 percent procrastination: reading magazines, eating cereal out of the box, watching infomercials. It's a matter of doing everything you can to avoid writing, until it is about four in the morning and you reach the point where you have to write. Having anybody watching that or attempting to share it with me would be grisly.