Yes, I shot my wife because I thought she was Bigfoot, but I'm from New Jersey.

Writing is 90 percent procrastination: reading magazines, eating cereal out of the box, watching infomercials.

The only thing I have ever been asked [by a pollster] was the age at which I first indulged in oral sex (which, since it was a Yale Daily News poll, meant kissing).

If God didn't want you to have it, He would never have let you see it.

Most convicted felons are just people who were not taken to museums or Broadway musicals as children.

There is only one blasphemy, and that is the refusal to experience joy.

Yes, I shot my wife because I thought she was Bigfoot, but I'm from New Jersey.