If we had known there was biting in soccer, we would have started watching years ago.

In a surprising unanimous ruling, the Supreme Court ruled the police cannot search what is on your phone without a warrant. Court observers said a unanimous decision from this court was slightly less likely than Scalia winning the annual Supreme Court wet robe contest.

A wedding invitation is a gift subpoena.

According to Domino's head of marketing, whose job we are doing for her right now, quote, "it makes it easy for people to ask and receive something that they'll really use." It's cute. What better way to practice for your inevitable divorce than a gift you can easily divide evenly between the two of you?

I love Salt Lake City. It's beautiful with all the great outdoors around you.

We know that the president [Donald Trump] watches "Saturday Night Live" because he tweets about it. He doesn't like it, but he keeps watching it.

With two years till the nomination, both [Joe] Biden and [Hillary] Clinton are positioning themselves to be the Democratic nominee. And are they stressing their experience, their ideas, their excellent hair? No. They've been talking about their poverty.