I have to work in England, but here in America you don't have to work. You can sort of enter the profession of being.

A fair share of anything is starvation diet to an egomaniac.

Keeping up with the Joneses was a full-time job with my mother and father. It was not until many years later when I lived alone that I realized how much cheaper it was to drag the Joneses down to my level.

I'm happy. I don't ever have to pay anything, and I don't ever have to wash the dishes, and I don't ever have to behave nicely.

Though intelligence is powerless to modify character, it is a dab hand at finding euphemisms for its weaknesses.

Abatement in the hostility of one's enemies must never be thought to signify they have been won over. It only means that one has ceased to constitute a threat.

The very purpose of existence is to reconcile the glowing opinion we hold of ourselves with the appalling things that other people think about us.