It's very hard to self-motivate without someone standing over you snarling, ready to hurl the chalk at your head at the slightest slackening.

Of course I'm naughty. I've always had to compete for attention, you see.

When I'm called unkind... that really cuts to the quick. You can say anything else that you like about me.

In Germany, salads are assemblies of ham and mayonnaise, not trendy tossed leaves.

Without my Johnson trademark mop of yellow hair, I think I would be nothing.

I am a total coffee snob and bore. If anyone makes the mistake of offering me 'a coffee' they tend to regret it - I'm worse than Mariah Carey, and the hot milk rider is completely non-negotiable.

The reason we all need a mutton alert, which needs constant testing, like smoke alarms, is because there is really no such thing as age-appropriate dressing any longer, as I know because my wardrobe is interchangeable with my daughter's.