Sometimes I suspected Ryan was merely visiting the real world, on vacation from his permanent residence in la-la land.

I should have mixed something stronger than Coke floats.

Why do you hang out with him?" "We're teammates." Ahhh. And if blood was thicker than water, then football, evidently, would congeal in one's veins.

Great. I'm psychotic and sparkly.

His name's Nash." Aunt Val took a butter knife from the silverware drawer. "What year is he?" I groaned inwardly. "Senior." ...here we go ... Her smile was a little too enthusiastic. "Well that's wonderful!" Of course, what she really meant was "Rise from the shadows, social leper, and walk in the bright light of acceptance!

Apparently the complete works of Shakespeare packed quite a wallop. To think, my mother said I'd never find use for an English degree. Ha! I'd like to see her knock someone silly with an apron and a cookie press.

From adult diapers to bedpans? Move over, Elvis, I’m the afterlife of the party!