I tap a Malediction out of the box, fire it up, and puff. It tastes like a tire fire in a candy factory next door to a strip club. The best cigarettes ever.

I'd like to think they're staring at me because of my white-hot animal magnetism, but I'm not Elvis. I'm Lobster Boy, hear me roar.

I came ready to fight Genghis Khan and I walk in on a shut-in playing the biggest Dungeons and Dragons game in history.

If his drunkenness had legs, it would be Alexander the Great and conquer the known world. Then it would puke for a week into a solid gold toilet it stole from Zeus's guest room.

I can deal with fighting in the arena in Hell, but laundry and dishes put the fear of God in me.

Memories are bullets. Some whiz by and only spook you. Others tear you open and leave you in pieces.

Twenty percent? What am I, your waiter? I got you five vampires, not a BLT.