Don't ever use duct tape on your privates. That's what I always tell people.

I didn't drink at all in school, so when I went to college, I went nuts. I was trying to catch up on all the partying I missed out on.

I would host a show where I take famous people out into the woods every week to find Bigfoot. I would do that. And you know what? We would find him in like a week.

People always say, "When did you know you were funny?" They don't mean that in a bad way - this already makes me sound like such a jerk.

When you're expecting a baby, there's a lot you can plan for, but when it happens early you just have to jump into it. Whatever plans you had, everything goes out the window.

I was really good in high school, so in college I was going to be really bad.

One of the coolest things was that, in 2007, I got to go to Iraq with Rob Riggle, Paul Scheer, and Horatio Sanz. We went over there to do some comedy shows with the U.S.O.