When I had my Comedy Central roast, David [Spade] was my first choice to be roastmaster, because I adore him. He's funny as hell, and nobody is meaner.

Read between the lines, folks, 'cause I'm here to tell you you're not getting the straight story. Ever. You're getting variations of the truth, if you're lucky.

Ridley Scott's company makes great work in whatever arena, whether it's movies or commercials or television. They just do really quality stuff, so you know it's going to be quality.

Any time an opportunity scares you that much, you should seriously consider saying yes.

You can meet people who are really beautiful. Then, when you see them angry for the first time, all of a sudden they're not beautiful anymore. They didn't just step into the other room and have plastic surgery; they're still the same physically. It's just that something inside of them has changed. They're no longer attractive.

I was sick of playing high-school kids. I liked being a teenager, but I would not go back for all the tea in China.

I literally knew nothing when I did that show ["Tony Flanagan"]. It was the first time I signed an autograph, it was the first time I got fan letters, it was the first time people screamed when I came out.