What kind of person would run for president of the United States in today's political climate? It would have to be somebody who's never really been drunk in public, who's never had an affair, who never shoplifted when they were a little boy, who never had any sort of counseling at all. I just don't know how you go through your life meeting people, experiencing everything you can, trying to absorb, and not make some of those mistakes. It's impossible.

If somebody else is achieving more than I am, that means I can do it, too. Everybody has the ability to raise themselves up, and my life has been marked by that.

The only good thing I could say about Dr. Vegas was that it was fun working with Amy Adams. I like to feel I picked somebody great as my leading lady and was borne out. Oh, and I learned how to snap on a medical glove very easily.

When I had my Comedy Central roast, David [Spade] was my first choice to be roastmaster, because I adore him. He's funny as hell, and nobody is meaner.

I'll be a role model on my terms, but don't make a role model on your terms.

There's this unbelievable bias and prejudice against quote-unquote good-looking people, that they can't be in pain or they can't have rough lives or be deep or interesting.

I am the guy dressing up in, you know, the caveman outfit for the kids birthday parties.