If there's anything better than a God-given talent, it's a God-given day job.

Making a different mistake every day is not only acceptable, it is the definition of progress.

Despite the goings-on in Congress, I don't believe the USA is bordering on madness. I believe Mexico and Canada are.

A vacation trip is one-third pleasure, fondly remembered, and two-thirds aggravation, entirely forgotten.

It is when there is nothing you can say or do to help that a friend needs you the most.

I am a private person, but I will reveal this about myself: if you start massaging my shoulders, don't expect me to tell you to stop.

There is no such thing as a list of reasons. There is either one sufficient reason or a list of excuses.